Iam Elinor

Iam Elinor

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Always thought of myself as Elinor in the movie "sense and sensbility " originally a novel by Jane Austen. Exactly as her harbouring all my overwhelming emotions and passion in grave silence.Falling in single sided love and out of love silently, giving you the"everything is alright" expression,seeming perfectly normal when deep inside im falling in a deep chasm of neverending suffering.Struggling but at the end succeeding in keeping my integrity, dignity and strength.Preventing any public breaking point with every cell and atom of power, courage and will that i have.

Holding back ure tears, feeling a lump in your throat that you try hard to swallow, keeping the tone of your voice from becoming shaky and standing on your feet was never an easy task in the worst of the worst moments.However as Elinor i managed and did it.I share with her the fact that she never confided nor communicated and no soul knew what is she going through even those who are close to her.Just keeping it to herself, to her heart and mind.Acting towards her unfulfilled hopeless lost love with sensebility in its earnest and most sincere way hence gainning the respect, praise and admiration from her unknown,untold story.

On the contrary to her sister Marianne who represented the sense in its very meaning.Scandilizing herself with pity from everyone for her unleashed, carefree irrational yet spontaneous display of affection which was met by betrayel and breaking of present but unsaid vows.Leaving besides a mourning heart,a stir of juicy gossip with everyone showing fake compassion when deep inside its the joy of a malison.

Hallucination (2) " The Valentine Hallucination"

After 10 years of anticipation, 10 years of yearning. Iam finally celebrating valentine ! Good God, Yes Iam. Since I was 17 , I have been dreaming and day dreaming of celebrating valentine. I still remember how mesmerized i was standing in those gift shops, with all those fancy cards, teddy bears, hearts and all other red coloured items, imaginning what i was to buy if i was going to celebrate. I remember how envious i was seeing guys and girls wrapping gifts in the most creative ways with colourful gift boxes , glitter, candies and perfumes. But it wasn't all just about the presents or not going out to classy,cool places for candle lit dinner. It was the solitude that came along with it. The emotional depriviation. Desperately wanting to feel loved. What valentine did was just remind me of how lonely i was, what it did was augment my solitude. Year after year i would just say "maybe next year" till i got sick of moanning and complainning. Finally i gave up and lost hope. And as Edward Norton says in fight club " loosing hope is total freedom".


After 3 years of forgetting about the whole thing, being absorbed into work,becoming the successful high profile career woman and hanging out with my girl friends on valentine's day celebrating how free, unattached single women we are. Thinking how immature, uncool and quite gross valentine's day is. Seeing all the teenagers carrying flowers and hearts made me just want to puke on how stupid and shallow those teenagers are. The romantic dreamer of my person seems to have sublimed into the air. Lost in a chasm of prolonged depriviation. It was then when he just showed up unexpectedly. Indeed it was a miracle!


When he said the word i've been longing to feel and not just hear " I love You " I was totally speechless.The only thing I had echoing in my mind " Is my emotional depreviation finally over?" I thought the question was pulsating in my brain obviously that he could hear it. When he asked that his love was certainly to end by tying the knot i remained speechless. Believe me the wierdest feeling ever, is that you get when your totally, supremely skeptical about something and this something happens.


That's our first valentine together. We have been married now for 6 months. Honestly everyday being with him is valentine, it's so divine and heavenly beyond belief. And Iam going to celebrate the real valentine too. daddddddddddaadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! We didn't talk about any arrangments, he didn't even mention anything. Never mind if he thinks he is grown up then let it be I will arrange everything and Iam going too far with my arrangements.
I took valentine a dayoff. Of course everyone at work was winking, smirking and gossiping. A dayoff at valentine is not just a coincidence is it?? I woke up in the morning by a gentle kiss on my cheeks and a " happy valentine sweetheart". Nothing more! That was it for him! In fact I was quite disappointed but iam not going to be turned off, still Iam heading with my plans.


I didn't tell him i was off today, I didn't want him to smell rats that something is going on and because he usually left to work before i did everything seemed perfect. I had a shower, dressed and stuffed my wallet with all the cash available and my credit card. I was going to spend a fortune and rock the world before he was back at 7pm. The first few hours of the day in the busy coiffeur was the annoying part and then comes the fun part, the shopping spree. I bought lots and lots of helium balloons all heart shape of different sizes and shades of red. Around a dozen of Vanilla, lavander and strawberry scented candles and cinnamon oil massage for the stimulating relaxing massage i was intending to give him. At the florist I bought lots of roses, daisies and lilies. All stuffed in the car trunk waiting for the blast. I headed to the mall, as what was the day like without some sexy red lingerie, perhaps a heart shaped red thong or so. He is in for a treat. I didn't forget to buy him a new sexy brick red boxer too.


Back at home there was too much work to do. For instance cooking. My menu was simple. Pasta, a couple of salads, soup, steak and for dessert, a pink icing glazed heart shape strawberry cake. Mouth watering i suppose. After i was done with the menu. I fragmented the flowers, spreading the petals all over our bed, the sofas, the floor the tables, everywhere. The helium balloons where everywhere. The vanilla scented candles were set up in our bedroom. The lavander in the reception and the strawberry in the kitchen. With low voulme salsa music in the background i was done. I Dressed my red sexy skirt , black lacy top and high heels. Way to go girl, your drop dead gorgoeus. After pouting in the mirror with my lurex red lips and winking at my red nail polish i sat in the dim light waiting for him.


Finally he appeared to find the lady in red lying on the sofa with all the soothing aroma and the exquisite setting. We dissloved in a long kiss and a hug to know that he had in mind that we were going to Alexandria for the night and he had already reserved a room overlooking the sea in a hotel over there. Well I would leave the rest of the evenning events for your imagination but trust me how far you can go and how vivid you could be. You can never imagine how magnificant, spectacular was this night.

Hallucination (1) " The kissing Hallucination"

My lips really hurt. They are sort of swollen, we've been kissing too hard for too long. But that is our friday, that's how we spend friday mornings. Kissing. We would simply wake up brush our teeth with that mint flavoured tooth paste, drink a home made latte and then return to bed to start the kissing saga. Usually nothing interrupts us as we switch our mobiles thursday evening.

The really weird thing about kissing is that it has some sort of a positive feedback mechanism.....once you start kissing it just stimulates more kissing. I just love the feeling of his lips on mine the way he slides his tongue and brushes my lips gently. He tells me he loves it more when i bite his lower lip, it drives him crazy sending impulses of pleasure to his loins making him want me badly. When we are not kissing we just lie silent in each others arms letting all the world's peace of mind overwhelm our souls, or perhaps we would just chew some mint flavoured bubblegum, to freshen our breaths before restarting again.

The most interesting part is that we do not escalate this to a further level, we just stop at the kissing level no doing the deed part. That's how it is and have been for months and months. We like to think of this as a moment of love not a moment of lust. It's not that there isn't lust or desire, which actually is not in our case. Our desire for each other is rather sizzling and unsatiable. It's just that we do respect our emotions, our love, and just feel that we are entitled to make it platonic at times. Kissing makes us feel more attatched, it develops this mystical bond that becomes more tensile friday after friday. It enlightens us both that we are ultimate soul mates. That my lips were made just to recognize only his lips, and that his tongue wouldn't know how to tease any tongue except mine. Ask me how many hours do we spend.....I'd tell you, I haven't the faintest idea time just passes , probably a couple of hours.

I get down with my swollen lips seeking the toilet, he grips my hand and asks with concern "Where are you going luv?" "Toilet" I reply with a smirk. "Fine but quick, I'm just starting to get in the mood" he says with a wide smile. I say with my swollen lips "I'll be back in a sec dear"